The Courage to Be Disliked Summary

The book posists that we can never escape from our subjectivity, and that we ourselves choose how to interpret what we see and what meaning to attribute to it. For example a person who is short can see it as an advantage or a disadvantage, it's totally up to them. A diamond, too, could be seen as nothing but a small stone. Objective facts cannot be altered, but we can change our subjective interpretation as much as we like. Therefore, our attitude, how we see the world, is of utmost importance. Our present is not determined by our experiences in the past, but by the meaning we have attributed to them: “No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.”

The most important thing is not in what circumstances we were born, but on how we utilize the hands we're dealt. “It’s not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment”. Instead of focusing on the past and what could have been, we must focus on what we can do with our current equipment:

Freudian etiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually it arrives at determinism. Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, is a psychology of use, and it is you who decides it.

We can approach psychology either through etiology or teleology (then there is logotherapy which focuses on the future). In Freudian psychology we tell ourselves stories of the past to study why we behave in a certain way. Etiology is studying the past to understand the causes of a behavior. In Adlerian psychology, however, it is suggested that we decide our behavior right now, and any decision on our part is because we have chosen to benefit from it. For example, the reason a NEET doesn't leave the house is not because of a past trauma or fear, but rather because they enjoy the comfort and attention they are paid by their parents, even if they're miserable in all other respects. The book stresses that there is no such thing as trauma and every one of our behaviors is used for a purpose. Studying what we hope to achieve by our current behavior is teleology, in other words: "People are not driven by past causes, but move toward goals that they themselves set". Instead of asking 'Why am I like this?' (Etiology), Adler asks 'What is my goal in acting this way?' (Teleology). This shifts the power back to the individual. Another example is being unhappy. If we're unhappy, it's because we actively choose being unhappy, and that we've judged it to be good for us. If there's something we want to change in ourselves, again, we're always able to do so, and the only reason we don't is because we are making the decision not to. By holding this view, we don't wait for others to change or the situation to change, we take the first step ourselves. The past and how we got here don't matter, and how we do from here on is our responsibilty. Here's another example from the book, about the son of a father who hit him in his childhood:

As long as I use etiology to think, It is because he hit me that I have a bad relationship with my father, it would be a matter that was impossible for me to do anything about. But if I can think, I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship with my father to get better, then I will be holding the card to repair relations. Because if I can just change the goal, that fixes everything.

"Lifestyle", one's worldview and outlook on life, is something the person chooses for themselves. If we don't change it, it's mostly because we've grow accustomed to it, and we fear that by going to uncharted territories we may get hurt. Anxiety is generated by changing, and disappointment by not changing, and most people usually choose the latter. In other words, most people are lacking in the courage to change and be happy.

The book offecs a poignant observation on "apparent cause and effect"—the way we contruct logical-sounding excuses to justify our stagnation. For example the book tells the story of a girl who created a fear of blushing to avoid proposing to a boy she liked and risking rejection. Many of us are guilty of the same crime. We come up with excuses every day, and force ourselves to see a as door closed, in order to escape the pain of trying and risking.

A parabole for an unwritten and procrastinating life itself:

I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten years, he will probably start using other excuses like “I’m not young anymore” or “I’ve got a family to think about now.” YOUTH: I can relate all too well to how he must feel. PHILOSOPHER: He should just enter his writing for an award, and if he gets rejected, so be it. If he did, he might grow, or discover that he should pursue something different. Either way, he would be able to move on. That is what changing your current lifestyle is about. He won’t get anywhere by not submitting anything.

Human beings are equal but not the same; this means that a math genius is no more valuable than a child who can't do simple arithmetic, or even a bedridden person with no activity. If we have a view that leads us to believe there is a competition going on, it will make us say words like "I lost to that person" or "I beat that person". In turn, we will see other people as enemies. We can't celebrate their happiness because their victory is our defeat, and this deprives us of a sense of community.

But every person has a sense that they need to grow even more, and a small amount of feeling lacking in a good quality is healthy for growth. Since we're equals, this healthy sense comes not from comparing ourselves with other people, but with comparing us with our ideal selves. Life is not a competition and we should move forward without competing with others. However, a problem is created when a healthy sense of inferiority becomes inferiority complex. In this case, we will use our sense of inferiority as an excuse, we will say things like "A happened so B can't", or "If it only weren't for A, I could have achieved B". These are all excuses/life-lies.

One may even not aim for success—perhaps to protect their leisure time or out of a deep-seated fear of failure. So while one might claim "the reality is that having a good education makes it easier to be successful in society." but "The real issue is how one confronts that reality. If what you are thinking is, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, then instead of I can’t succeed, you should think, I don’t want to succeed." If we don't lack the courage, we will be diligent and find a solution to our problem. However, if we lack the courage, we will either boast about our misfortunes (saying things like 'you don't know what I've been through', like a baby who rules with his weakness), or get caught up in a superiority complex, boasting about the memories past.

According to Adler, all problems are interpersonal problems. But not only our unhappiness is caused by interpersonal relationship, so is our happiness.

In Adlerian psychology, there are 2 objectives for human behavior: to be self-reliant, and to live in harmony with the society, which are supported by the two objectives of psychology: "I have the ability" and "People are my comrades". These two objectives can be achieved by facing "life tasks": tasks of work, tasks of love and tasks of friendship, all of which involve interpersonal relationships.

If one is not following through with their life-tasks, it is not because they're not able to, but because they have lost the courage to face their tasks. They should first realize that it is them who holds all the cards and decides what to do with them (have a teleological attitude and change the goal), and other people who want to help should use 'encouragement'. They should not judge the person or let assistance become intervention, but show by gratitude that they believe in them, that they value their relationship with them, and respect them. In Adler's view, "It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage", and courage is a prerequisite to change. But how can one feel like they have worth? It is when they feel "I am beneficial and making a contribution to the community" or that "I am of use to someone". However this feeling of worthiness doesn't have to be something at the level of acts, but at the level of being. We love our grandparents just by them being present, not but the things that they do for us. The same can be true for anyone, even NEETs. “People can be of use to someone else simply by being alive, and have a true sense of their worth just by being alive.”

How should we increase courage then? Acceptance, Confidence, Focusing on the Strength.

1. We should first accept who we are, just the way we are, and feel at ease with ourselves. We should also believe in ourselves and have the courage to take the step forward regardless of the outcome. This focus on the process of growth and journey, rather than the outcome is called encouragement.
2. We should form a belief within, that we're capable and we're 'enough' as long as we have the courage try. It is the antidote to inferiority complex and moves us from praise based on the outcome "I like it when I/you do well/achieve." to "I believe in my/your ability to handle this.", "I am worthy because I had the courage, regardless of the outcome".
3. By noticing on every small step that we get right, our confidence in ourselves increases and we may grow even more.

"The state of coming up with all manner of pretexts [excuses] in order to avoid the life tasks" is a “life-lie”. And life-lies aren't about being bad or evil, but about lacking courage. When telling a life-lie:

One shifts one’s responsibility for the situation one is currently in to someone else. One is running away from one’s life tasks by saying that everything is the fault of other people, or the fault of one’s environment. It’s exactly the same as with the story I mentioned earlier about the female student with the fear of blushing. One lies to oneself, and one lies to the people around one, too. When you really think about it, it’s a pretty severe term.

Happiness deeply relates to the matter of self-acceptance. We are the unhappiest of all when we dislike ourself, but we can begin to like ourselves by using the feeling of community and being of use to other people, and by self-acceptance. Our effect of contribution need not be visible either, its just a feeling that we decide to have:

Does one accept oneself on the level of acts, or on the level of being? This is truly a question that relates to the courage to be happy

and

You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people, and is not an issue in which you can intervene. In principle, there is not even any way you can know whether you have really made a contribution. That is to say, when we are engaging in this contribution to others, the contribution does not have to be a visible one—all we need is the subjective sense that “I am of use to someone,” or in other words, a feeling of contribution. … All human beings can be happy. But it must be understood that this does not mean all human beings are happy. Whether it is on the level of acts or on the level of being, one needs to feel that one is of use to someone. That is to say, one needs a feeling of contribution. … In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness.

Note that this sense of being of use to the community is intrinsic, and is deeply different from being recognized and valued by others.

If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that “I am of use to someone,” without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others. In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet, and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others.

Adlerian psychology denies the need for recognition from others, and states that one should neither rebuke, nor praise. If we seek recognition from others, we are living other people's lives, and letting them have the interpersonal relationship cards. "If you don't live your life, who is going to live it for you?" One might imagine that we at least need recognition from our parents, or God to live a good life, but this is false.

We need to continually separate our tasks from those of others. A simple way to see whose task it is, is to ask who's going to ultimately get the result from the choice being made. Even things that seem mundane, such as urging a child to study is not recommended, it is not the parent's tasks to study, just to lend a hand whenever they're asked. The child has no obligation to fulfill their parents' expectations either. When doing the right thing, how people construe our actions and feel as a result is not our task either, it is their task to choose their attitude. Also, we must be astute enough to know when to resign, if it is not our task, or if we're unable to change something, we must know when to resign. To be able to do so shows that we have a firm grasp on the truth of things.

Freedom is being disliked by other people. We must not be afraid of being disliked. Behaving in a decent manner is our task, but whether other people like us or not is not. It is not our task to fulfill other people's expectations. Freedom is resisting one's instincts and impulses, a stone is powerless once it has begun to roll downhill, but we are not stones.

Adler put great emphasis on the feeling of community, on the feeling of "having one's refuge" and "it's okay to be here", that other people (and even animals and objects) are our comrades. It is when we realize that "I" is not the center of the world and when we switch from self-interest to concern for others that are we are the most happy. It is through active commitment to the community of one's accord that this happens, not by simply being there. Instead of "What will this person give me?", we will ask "What can I give to this person".

The relationships we build in the community should be horizontal, meaning that in its basis we must treat and be treated as equals. It is for this reason that we don't praise other people, praising (as well as rebuke) is a form of manipulation. We must not praise or rebuke, but encourage and express confidence in one another and gratitude. We could even treat our friends in a vertical manner:

Even if you are not treating them in a boss-or-subordinate kind of way, it is as if you are saying, “A is above me, and B is below me,” for example, or “I’ll follow A’s advice, but ignore what B says,” or “I don’t mind breaking my promise to C.”

But this undermines the very purpose of relationships, as "the final goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community".

For community feeling, "self-acceptance", "confidence in others", and "contribution to others" is required.

• Self-acceptance is not "I can" or "I am strong", it is not self-affirmation, but acknowledging our not being perfect and trying anyway.
• Confidence is different from trust, in the sense that confidence is a form of belief that requires no surety and is unconditional. The opposite of confidence is doubt, and one should not doubt the ability of their friends and loved ones.
• Contribution to others happens not as a self-sacrifice which is something Adler denies, but as a way to get a sense of community, and feeling worthy, dedicated to a cause greater than ourselves.

There is much merit in accepting to be normal, and normal doesn't mean incapable. Both children that try to get excellent grades and those who try to attract attention by problem behavior are in search of being a "special being". However, pursuit of superiority is an unhealthy attitude. Avoiding perfectionism and accepting to be a normal being is an important part of self-acceptance. People who pursue superiority are tentative in their being, 'en route' to some destination. They can't rest until they arrive, but life is not a competition but a journey to be enjoyed. Life is not a line (kinetic) but a series of dots (energeial). If you finished a marathon using a helicopter that'd be pretty meaningless, so life is not a marathon, but a dance:

Life is a series of moments, which one lives as if one were dancing, right now, around and around each passing instant. And when one happens to survey one’s surroundings, one realizes, I guess I’ve made it this far. Among those who have danced the dance of the violin, there are people who stay the course and become professional musicians. Among those who have danced the dance of the bar examination, there are people who become lawyers. There are people who have danced the dance of writing and become authors. Of course, it also happens that people end up in entirely different places. But none of these lives came to an end “en route.” It is enough if one finds fulfillment in the here and now one is dancing.

In a dance one is engaged in each moment, and it is enough that we do what we can do now, earnestly and conscientiously, but in doing so we must not get too serious and keep our lives simple.

For example, one wants to get into a university but makes no attempt to study. This an attitude of not living earnestly here and now. Of course, maybe the entrance examination is still far off. Maybe one is not sure what needs to be studied or how thoroughly, and one finds it troublesome. However, it is enough to do it little by little—every day one can work out some mathematical formulas, one can memorize some words. In short, one can dance the dance. By doing so, one is sure to have a sense of “this is what I did today”; this is what today, this single day, was for. Clearly, today is not for an entrance examination in the distant future. … And the same may be said with regard to your own life. You set objectives for the distant future, and think of now as your preparatory period. You think, I really want to do this, and I’ll do it when the time comes. This is a way of living that postpones life. As long as we postpone life, we can never go anywhere and will pass our days only one after the next in dull monotony, because we think of here and now as just a preparatory period, as a time for patience. But a “here and now” in which one is studying for an entrance examination in the distant future, for example, is the real thing. … The greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now.

Life's meaning is what we attribute to it. We have freedom in the meaning we assign to it and the choices we make, and our guiding star in these is contributing to the community:

Regardless of the circumstances, we must take some form of action. We must stand up to Kant’s “inclination.” Now, suppose one experiences a major natural disaster, and one’s response is to look back at the past in an etiological manner and say, “What could have caused such a thing to happen?” How meaningful would that be? An experience of hardship should be an opportunity to look ahead and think, What can I do from now on?

Adler believed in holism, meaning that we can't separate ourselves from our emotion, or somehow make us think of us as being cosisted of different systems.

PHILOSOPHER: Suppose, for instance, that there is a certain Mr. A whom you don’t like because he has some flaws that are hard to forgive. YOUTH: Ha-ha, if we’re looking for people I don’t like, there’s no shortage of candidates. PHILOSOPHER: But it isn’t that you dislike Mr. A because you can’t forgive his flaws. You had the goal of taking a dislike to Mr. A beforehand and then started looking for the flaws to satisfy that goal. YOUTH: That’s ridiculous! Why would I do that? PHILOSOPHER: So that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr. A.